i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Your penis caused this!
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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