meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
