wanna go halves on a baby?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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