Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
