The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
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if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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