Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I skipped work to stalk him.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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