your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
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