life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
