I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
