i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
