I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
tell me about the eggs
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