I'm lost and stupid without you.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
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Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
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Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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