im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
