i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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