whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
