our cab driver is having phone sex.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just gargled with NyQuil
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
