Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
