so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
