She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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