TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
