Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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