If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
