ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
