Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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