Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
