Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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