did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
