my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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