god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
