dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
