'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
