I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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