watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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