Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
