what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
