I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Randomize
