Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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