What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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