the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
