just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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