Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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