Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
