Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
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He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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