This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
