My underwear smells like fireworks.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
