Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
