He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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