Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
