u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
