Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
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He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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