I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
