And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
