I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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