wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
