last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
