pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
