Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
