I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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