Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
